Loud and Clear is Your Heart

Whether it is this way or that way, go wholeheartedly.

Wholeheartedly in the direction in which your heart leads, with the passion and promise that allows you to be happy. Whether happy means reading a new book, or snuggling on a chilly night, or picking up and moving out of state. Whether it is a mistake or the best move of your life; just go with your whole heart. You cannot fail at which you never try and you cannot succeed if you never temp failure.

Finding peace within yourself, whether it is by religion, friends or silence.
Finding peace within yourself, a nirvana type peace of mind with every piece of yourself and all your being. Nothing can be accomplished in this world without the power of peace behind your decisions. Nothing can be accomplished in this life without will power and trust within yourself.

“Just some words of advice
Maybe you’ve heard them before but here goes
Just be true to yourself if it lands you in hell, well, at least now you know
Loud and clear is your heart big and bright are the places you might someday go
With one million things holding you down, why you’re one of those things
I don’t know, no big deal here I go.”

 

And never ever let someone else be the deciding factor or the key piece holding you back.

Loud and clear is your heart, big and bright are the places you may someday go…

 

Set Sail.

Chinese food did it last night.
It snuck up like a ghost and boom, there it was.
On my couch, beer in hand, chinese on my fork.

Maybe it was the day before, with the snow on the ground and her pink fluffy boots.
Driving to Philly next week for her Doctor’s appointment.
Or days earlier, it may have been the beer or the tv show.
The Sunday night that came and went.
The movie on Showtime or the ad for a game.
The smell or the comfort.
California king feels way to big.
The homemade buffalo pizza that I almost burned the night prior.
Maybe the beer fermenting in the closet.
Pictures saved from off of my old phone.
The lack of texts on my new phone.

Just like you can’t make something be there when it’s not.
I don’t even have the number to use.
It came at the right time, lost all contacts in my phone again.
Lost contact with anyone that doesn’t bother to contact me.

Spring weather makes me happy, though.
I smell flowers, and then I sneeze but in that moment I picture the playground, or the zoo or anything exciting that the nice weather will bring for Ro & I.
And I feel contentment. Even with things that bring about bad feelings.

I feel lesser than ever, but more full then I have ever been.

R.

I don’t know how I came to pick her name as much as I didn’t know I ever wanted children. I don’t know how I ended up with such a beautiful child, as much as I’m not too sure what I did in a past life to deserve it. I don’t know what will be in the next few years, as much as I don’t know what I want to be.
I don’t know what I will tell her when she comes home from school and asks why all the other children have dads; and where is hers?
Maybe he’ll be an astronaut or a pirate.

Anything besides the truth that he is not here or ever will be.
Anything besides the fact that he opted out when I opted in.
Either way, she won’t need a father just as I don’t need a husband or a father for her. I find it so much easier to never have a second opini0n on how to raise her, no one to split my amazing time with her; no one to tell me what to do.

She won’t see it this way, as I didn’t see it that way for a few months.
But eventually she will, and one day maybe she will understand why I chose to walk away from someone that was so willing to walk on his own. She will understand one day, but for now I’ll wait for the day. I imagine I have a few more years before the questions begin coming in. I imagine I’ll have a substantial worthwhile answer by then.

Sometimes I wish they made a book for life; I’d read and reread each page a million times each. I’d sleep with it under my pillow to soak up the knowledge of what it could bring. But there is no such thing; and truly not needed I guess.

I do know one thing; which has been a difficult task to overcome.
When to let someone in, and when to walk away. Because the difference in answers is so hard to come by. You truly never know until you “know” and even then, you really don’t completely know. Going with a gut feeling tends to be my forte, and in a way, with more appreciation for this feeling, answers may tend to come easier for me.

At the end of the day, it’s me and her against the world; we can do anything together and in time can accomplish more than I ever could alone.

I’ve heard it said that once you know the love of your child; no other love compares – this could never be more true.
Things seem less phasing to me these days, as I still have that adorable smile giving me bear hugs and kissing my cheeks when I get home; good day or bad.

She won’t know the issues of the past years because all I will allow to consume her is pure, loving, adoration from mama to daughter with more love than I ever thought my heart could portray and with more passion then I ever knew I had. My heart was born in April, with the flowers blooming and thew sun shining and that beautiful rainbow outside my hospital bedroom.

A heart that only the most genuine loving people in this world deserve to know; one of the purest loves of all time.

Spotless Minding.

“When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away.”

 

Wish I could have written something SO meaningful.

Land Locked Blues

5 days late…but it’s okay.

I’ve never been one to follow rules so why start now.
My new workout regime began with the new year and now I see even more reason to follow through with it. More motivation to get back in good shape. Awesomeness.

But this resolution, if it can be called that really, came a few days late. And that’s okay with me, it’s something I should have done/realized a long time ago.

Looking back on the past year I can’t help but to want to smack myself.
What was I thinking? Where was my head? and most of all how stupid is my heart! The past 4 years of my life have been major obstacles, and to that I’m thankful. But looking back, most of the obstacles I overcame were caused by my own idiocracies. And to that I’m thankful as well I suppose.
Or maybe not, depends on my mood when you ask me.

But the past few weeks have shown me something that I haven’t seen about myself in a long time. Happiness.

Like pure, I just want to scream, and smile til my jaw hurts and dance in circles, I don’t give a fuck who sees – kinda of happiness. For once, it’s pure and real and raw and amazing. I mistakenly took this feeling for others as I most times do, but soon enough I accepted it for what it was. CONTENTMENT.

Halle-fricken-llujah. It’s about damn time.
Something about today made me want to punch someone in the face.
And then I realized why.
And it struck me as no longer a coincidence.

Until today’s events I did not want or feel the need to hurt someone with violence. Or have my blood pressure raised & hands made shakey.
In the same way that in the past few weeks, like magic, my nerves are completely OKAY. Not just okay, but like seriously I don’t freak out anymore OKAY.
And the same reason why I have my total appetite back in full swing.
I cannot stop eating, just as I used to, and even more. FINALLY.
I can go out with friends and not freak out, my stomach no longer wants to kill me. And i’ve finally eliminated all reasons but one (to be left to your imagination)

Single.
Not in the aspect of just relationship status of Facebook. But in the way of responsibilities, livelihood, and life itself.

I am single. Singularly responsible for only me (and Ro) but primarily us and NO ONE else. And it’s amazing. Fucking Amazing.

Turns out its true. The thing that you tend to want so much in life, does not always turn out to be the thing you need. In fact, in my case, it’s the COMPLETE opposite. Like life on this planet & Jupiter opposite.

Whether it is realised soon, or when it’s too late (senses my gut feeling) it eventually will come to be known.

The grass is not always greener, the other side does not have better beer, and honestly there very well may be a drought and skunked beer awaiting you over there. Good luck!

To me- It is not about the happy ever after; just the happy right now. And it’s definitely not about the happy somewhere else; just the happy with where you are.

Take as advice or a lesson learned; took me four years, a drug addict boyfriend, a single pregnancy; a shitty friend or 5; too many easily forgiven issues and one hell of a ride to realize.

Don’t waste your time on something that considers your time a waste. Take whichever route you choose.

Let me know how green that other side is; oh wait I forgot I don’t care.

=)

Breathing Device

Airplane safety tells you this:

Put on your breathing device before helping others

I have never understood this statement more than I do right now.
If you try to help others while neglecting yourself, it does only more damage. This seems to go back to my Buddhist roots in which it is said “you will be no good to anyone if you do not remain grounded and conscious”
Grounded and conscious – two of the most important traits to acquire in this lifetime.

Recently I have come to realize, when you put so much work into something, whether it be work, a relationships or anything, you need to remain grounded within yourself. Helping others begins by helping yourself.

With the said, what started out as a really rough week has turned to sunshine.
I suddenly feel lighter than ever, & as if I can accomplish so much more then I ever thought. It’s back to just me myself, & I (and Ro) & I’m free.

I have never felt so free. Maybe because I never allow myself much time to just be me. With me, and to find me. Or maybe because for once I’ve realized that I deserve so much more. But why?
Why do we automatically think we deserve more?
I know that I do, because I choose the broken, beaten down, bads that tend to suffocate my good. Over use and under appreciate. And all I do is give. Give until I have nothing left to give & then find some more hidden under a rock somewhere and give more of me.
Well the well has run dry.
You cannot give your all, and hope to have enough to maintain yourself. Now I will give me my all, and that’s the best of all.

Thank you, to every single boy out there (and yes, I said boy on purpose- harsh but true) for making me understand exactly what my mother has tried to instill in me since I was a tween. To never settle.
To never be treated less than you would treat someone else. To never live down to your own expectations, because that is all you have. To never fix- Help yourself before helping others.

I have realized in the past few weeks that I am not here on earth to help someone else more than myself. This is selfish, but good. You cannot breathe only after you have relentlessly helped someone else breathe. Too much time has elapsed and suddenly you are not okay.

Put on your breathing device before assisting others.
Help yourself before helping others, because what good is someone is so willing to help you change but looses themselves in the process.
You can know what is right for you in someone else, if you do not know what is right within you. You cannot loose sleep over the what if’s, and you cannot loose yourself in someone else.

And the funny part, the true catch 22 of it all – Only the selfless people have to keep reminding themselves of this while the others (a little less selfless than us) are the ones in which we keep trying to help. They sit there with their masks on, not assisting anyone else, and riding life out for all the oxygen it can supply.

So what now? My head feels lighter, my heart feels lifted, & I am a single twenty two year old gal, with an awesome job, an awesome daughter & an awesome life.
What do you have?

The good, The bad & The perfect.

The good: the leaves changing, the winter smell in the air, the noise of silence. Warm heat, cold blankets and snow white skies. No worries, no stress, no fears. Peace with ones self, if only for a second.

The Bad: the fights, the worry. Wearing heavy coats to keep warm, the cold walk to car after a long day, the darkness that once was light at that same moment a month ago. Bad weather, bad feelings, bad love.

The perfect: the combination of two, the chilly air with a warm blanket. Hands molded.  Being alone, together. The planning of what the future has to bring, working towards that. Sweaters, scarves, too many scarves but never enough. LOVE. That light at the end of that blurry, dreary tunnel. Just being. Saying om just to clear your mind. Not having to clear your mind. Having a clear mind, perfection.

Whether you feel the good, the bad or the perfect…singularly or all three at once. Each go hand in hand. I have nothing to say about recent problems because as of today, I will not worry. I will not allow things to blur my mind from that perfection that glows everyday. Pretty leaves, clear skies, cozy scarves.
Hands together, hearts pumping, growing fonder.
If I am lost, it is only for awhile. I always find my way back.
and as of recently, I have found myself to not need to be found. I am where I need to be, where my life needs me. I have not been lost, nor needed to be found. As I will not doing the finding, as I am what today is, feeling what this weather brings.

 

Cold days from the outside,
but beautiful & warm looking out from within.

Fall is for lovers

Maybe it was the Boston weather last weekend that put me in the Fall mood. The cobble stone streets, the yummy beer(s), and the beautiful weather; plus my two favorite people! I fell in love with this city at first site!

Maybe it’s the browning leaves or the smell that fall brings with it. Either way, Fall has come around and it is definitely my favorite time of year!

Recently I read a post on a blog I follow, and she was dead on!
Thank you mssinglemama!!
This time of year makes you want to fall  in love.
Fall makes you want a boyfriend. (Check!)
Must be why they call it dating season?

Maybe it’s the weather, or the chilly air, or the festivities that come with Fall. Or maybe, just maybe, because who really wants to spend the winter alone? Bummer.

For me I think it is just the feeling of what Fall symbolizes so well.
The end of old, and the beginning of new.
For me that is what I am taking Fall for this year.
I am taking it in strides and realizing that just as the trees shed their leaves, it is the perfect time to shed the old, and welcome the new.
In all aspects of life, it is a good feeling, one that I have not had in a long time. Reasons for this feeling vary. But for whatever the reason, I embrace it. I welcome change with open arms.

Plus; who doesn’t love pumpkin picking? and Apples?!
Pictures to follow =)

Need not need at all.

I have all these thoughts, constantly running through my head.
Most come to me at random times a day.
Bathroom, shower, walking, driving, anywhere.
I wish I could put into words everything I think about.

Today’s thought – after finding out some news about an old “friend” of mine.
Life is too short to be anything but happy.
In the past 2.5 years (feels like eternity) I have been exposed to more bad occurrences than I can count on a dozen hands. Occurrences that I allowed myself to be witness to and unfortunately will follow me for years to come. Occurrences that, wishing I could erase, will haunt me (because I allow them- I know) and will follow me.
My first thought when I hear about someone I used to know around town and the predicaments they allow themselves to get it-
I need to move, somewhere where no one knows me, my life story, or anything about me. Somewhere where I’m surrounded by happy, healthy, loving people that will learn to love me and my daughter for the people we are now and are going to become. Not the person who was incorporated with the people I so regretfully allowed to consume me.
I just want to be happy and healthy and raise my daughter the way I want without any judgements or critisism. I want to be happy.

Sometimes I get so caught up in thinking happiness is elsewhere,I forget to love what I have unconditionally.
I forget to appreciate whats in front of me, and the people that consume me now.
I just forget.
I have rose colored glasses, i’m told.
I’m still the person that thinks everything is good, and that people won’t let you down, and that I should expect from others as I do of myself. I am still that person. I will always be the person with my cup half full, even if I cannot always access that person every second of everyday.
Recently, environmental reason have made me into someone I don’t understand. This world makes it so easy for someone to look through not so rose colored glasses. It’s a tricky task to undertake.
Negativity sneaks up quickly and tends to fill my thoughts.

I don’t have enough money, I second guess all my actions, I willingly allow others to influence me…this is not me.

Recently, I have realized I need to love what I have, even if I don’t like it sometimes. I need to take in the world around me more often like I used to, I need to hold tight to what I have in order to gain what I want.
…and most of all I have to stop using the word “need”

Everything I “need” is right in front of me, it is those subjects that will allow me to obtain what I want from life. I do not need more, I do not need anything that I am not willing to work hard for.

I need not need at all.

Keep on, keeping on.

 

These days, I tend to be a walking contradiction.
A contradiction of two totally different people, in oneself.
I am the poster child for indecisiveness.
I battle that most will one day fight, have fought, or are currently battling.
The war of choice.

 

What I want, & What I Need. Talk about a headache.
The easy route vs. The path of most resistance.

I know what I want, but how to get there is another story in itself.
I understand that your life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how you deal. We just must learn to deal, and they don’t teach that in school.
No one can teach that.
I know that I must keep taking steps.
even if every 10 steps you get knocked back 5.
I’d like to knock out that pushy, bully.
This is the path of most resistance.

I wake some mornings with this undying urge to strike up some frequent flyer miles and choose a far off destination to reside.
But how long would that thrill last?
The rate I’m at,  10 days, tops.
So I stay, I work, I raise baby & I live.
I’m lost, yes, but then I tell myself.

Good, be lost.
Live in being lost.
How does one find themselves if they are never lost to start?

So a little advice, from this walking contradiction to another.

Keep walking.
Skip actually, just to prove ya still have energy.
This war we fight, whether it’s of choice, of addiction, of loving and being hated, of being over worked & underpaid, of negativity. Whatever you fight for, keep telling yourself.
Expensive & a waste of time, yes.
The end result (whatever it may be), priceless.